Procrastination: When Putting Things Off Becomes a Problem

The saying “Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today” can be easier said than done. Many people, in fact, find themselves relating more closely to the famous pun “I never put off till tomorrow what I could possibly do the day after.” Or even—“Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.”

Kidding aside, though, many people struggle with procrastination to greater or lesser degrees. This article explores what procrastination is all about and offers suggestions for starting—and completing—tasks.

Sound familiar?

You have something you need to do (think tax returns, a tricky project at work, that pile of laundry after a vacation) and though you know it would be best to get started on it right away instead you end up doing something else entirely (washing the sink full of dirty dishes, organizing your bookshelf, playing on your phone, etc.). Why? Well, you’re not really sure where to start with the task at hand. It feels overwhelming, too big, or is just something you really don’t want to do. Something else may seem more interesting or able to be completed more quickly. Then the mind starts working. Thoughts like “Well, it’s too late to do that today, anyway. I’ll just get going on it tomorrow” start popping up. Before you know it, more time goes by and you still haven’t done the task at hand.

If this is familiar, you’re in very good company. Pretty much everyone puts something off at one time or another.

Why do people procrastinate?

For some, knowing there’s a task to do can come with difficult feelings, ranging from boredom to being overwhelmed to a fear of failure. Putting off a task can then keep these feelings at bay and bring some relief in the short term. But because your brain maintains a background awareness of this unfinished task, the stress never really goes away.

As soon as you turn your thoughts back to the task, the same difficult feelings are there, now often with the added feeling of guilt or shame. Additionally, if your task has a deadline, the stress of this now-even-closer deadline is that much more. And if you miss the deadline, say filing taxes late or not completing a work task on time, you may even be dealing with some pretty unpleasant consequences.

If putting off tasks comes with such a high cost, why do people do it? Definitely the short-term relief feels nice and then often the negative consequences aren’t immediately apparent which makes for double the temptation. It’s human nature, after all, to gravitate toward what is immediately pleasant and avoid what is not.

What can you do?

If you, too, are prone to putting things off and are looking for some strategies to help get you into action, one or more of the following may help:

Investigate why.

“Why am I doing this?” Getting to the bottom of this question can be really helpful in working toward curbing procrastination. Be sure to investigate with a curiosity and kindness toward yourself, simply observing what’s behind it for you. What kinds of tasks do you tend to put off? What prompts you to avoid them at first? Is it that they’re particularly tedious? Challenging? Are you afraid you won’t be able to do them? Do they not really make sense to you? Or is it mainly linked to your own or others’ high expectations?

The underlying feeling for the avoidance trigger provides an important clue about what might help you get started on the task and keep at it until it’s complete.

Set achievable goals.

Setting smaller, achievable goals can be especially helpful if you’re feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or reluctant to do the task. Instead of thinking of it as one big to-do, break it into smaller chunks in order to achieve smaller more manageable goals along the way. Instead of seeing only the big mountain in front of you, you’ll instead be able to focus on the next clearly defined step. This will also give you a sense of achievement more quickly and more often.

Reward yourself.

Getting started on tedious or challenging tasks can be hard to do. Jumpstart your motivation by thinking of small rewards in advance. For example, “If I start this task right now, I’ll treat myself to an episode of my favorite show afterward.” Or maybe, “If I start right now and work until I get to a certain point, I’ll let myself take a nice long walk outside later.”

Head off distractions.

What do you typically distract yourself with when you’re putting off something? Other tasks? Your phone or other device? A game? Whatever it is, make it as difficult as possible to do that thing. Maybe go to another location, like a conference room or library, to do your work. Or, completely turn off your phone or access to the Internet, if you don’t absolutely need it to complete your task.

Set a time limit for work on the task.

Though somewhat paradoxical, limiting the time you work on a task can help you complete it more efficiently. Instead of the more open-ended, “I have to work on this task,” you can instead think, “I am (only) allowed to work on this task for this time.” When time becomes more precious, this can help you use it more effectively toward what you need to get done.

Face your fear.

If the root cause of your procrastination is fear, it can be really helpful to take a closer look at this fear. What is it exactly that you’re afraid of? What’s the absolute worst that could happen? How likely is it that this will happen?

If you have the impression that you actually lack certain knowledge or skills for a task, what support can you turn to? Perhaps you know someone who could show you how? Or, you could plan enough time to be able to prepare yourself or look things up as you go along? Or, maybe formal training is the way to go and you could give yourself enough time to get the training you need?

Reflect on your own expectations.

If the very thought of working on a task makes you feel very stressed out, it might be that you’re placing demands on yourself that are very high. Did you know that perfectionism is often accompanied by a tendency to procrastinate? Putting things off can feel like a nice, temporary escape, at least for the moment. In this case, you may want to take a closer look at your perfectionism and the fears behind it.

Make a conscious decision.

It can be perfectly okay to put off a task from time to time—as long as you do so consciously. Ask yourself why you’re wanting to put off the task and be sure to consider the consequences of doing so. Then make a conscious decision. If you decide to put off the task, formulate a plan for when you will turn to it.

Though all this may sound good, know that putting it into practice can take time and effort. Remember that it’s about many small steps rather than single big ones. Setbacks and doubts are also part of the process. But if you stick to it, you have a good chance of improving your overall well-being in the long run.

When does procrastination become a problem?

If you occasionally put things off but are still able to eventually complete your tasks reasonably well, procrastination is not considered to be a problem.

But, it might be a problem if you find that most of the time you’re:

• Unable to completely finish important tasks and this inability is impacting your life in some significant way.
• Not living up to your potential.
• Dealing with professional, financial, or personal consequences as a result of your procrastination.
• Noticing that your well-being is suffering as a result of procrastination.

The major diagnostic manuals for mental health disorders (ICD-10 and DSM-V) do not have a classification for procrastination. Nevertheless, chronic and severe procrastination often cause a great deal of suffering for those affected. Procrastination can lead not only to reduced performance and heightened stress but is sometimes associated with depression, anxiety, sleep problems, and increased alcohol consumption. Around one in ten people struggle with a severe form of procrastination. This is especially true for those who have the ability to freely allocate time to their tasks, such as students or those who are self-employed.

If you’re experiencing depressive symptoms, anxiety, or other psychological stressors in connection with procrastination, it may be time to enlist the help of a mental health professional if you’re not already working with someone.

Breaking the Silence: How to Start a Conversation about Mental Health

While most people find it pretty normal to talk openly about what’s bothering them physically, many don’t have the same level of comfort in discussing mental illnesses or conditions. So, while someone may think nothing of telling a co-worker about how distracting their allergies are or how much pain they’ve been in with their broken leg, they might say nothing about how hard it’s been for them to stay motivated or how difficult sleeping through the night has been because of their anxiety.

Despite increased awareness of the wide prevalence of mental health struggles, there still seems to be a stigma around them, at least in certain circles or circumstances. And this creates feelings of shame and isolation.

Yet it is by talking about these experiences that people can see that they’re not alone. And can receive the support that can help. In more severe cases, talking to someone else can even save a life.

Are you struggling with your mental health or do you know someone who is? This post offers suggestions for how to start a conversation about it.

Confiding in Someone

To Talk or Remain Silent?

If you’re struggling emotionally, chances are you’re feeling like you’re the only one. Many people think they’re alone in their mental distress, yet, statistically, one out of every four people at any given time meet the criteria of a mental disorder, and this number is likely lower than the reality. Next time you go to work, then, or to the store, or when you’re in a crowd, remember that for every four people you see, at least one is having a hard time emotionally.

Feeling alone or ashamed when mentally distressed is usually what’s behind a person’s hesitation to talk to others. They’re often afraid that others wouldn’t understand or will judge them for what they’re going through.

If you’re feeling low and haven’t yet told anyone, a first step might be weighing the pros and cons to opening up. Consider what would be the best outcome if you were to talk to someone else? What would be the worst? How likely are each of these outcomes, really? Are you fearful about opening up? If so, what risks do you see in doing so? What risks might there be to remaining silent? Again, ask yourself how likely it is that the worst-case scenario will happen? What about the best-case scenario? Is there a middle between these two that is most likely?

Ultimately, of course, the decision to talk to someone about your experiences is entirely yours, as is deciding who you could confide in.

Deciding on Who to Talk To

If you’re considering telling someone about your emotional health, you might want to take a little time to decide who the best person to approach would be. Do you have a friend who’s usually pretty good at listening? Or someone you know who often openly speaks about their own feelings? Listen to your gut to identify who you’d be most comfortable with. And remember this could be someone you already feel close to or it could be someone a bit more distant, such as a co-worker or neighbor.

Planning the Conversation

Sometimes letting the other person know you’d like to talk can make getting started easier.

Consider where and in what format (in person? on the phone? etc.) would be best for you and maybe make a suggestion along those lines: “Something is going on with me right now, and I think talking about it with you would really help. Are you free to go on a walk with me this weekend?”

Thinking through some of the specifics ahead of time of what you’d like to share can also be helpful. When you’re not feeling well it can be harder to put into words what’s bothering you. If you can, write it out. The very act of writing can help you sort and process more clearly.

You can also think about whether you have a request for the other person or are you just looking for them to listen? Maybe there’s something they could help with, like getting you set up with a mental health practitioner.

During the Conversation

It’s you who sets the pace, depth, and length of the conversation. Of course, the more you tell the other person, the easier it is for them to understand what’s going on. But if it all gets to be too much, if you need a short break, or if you’re not comfortable answering a question, feel free to say so. If you’re not looking for advice but the other person gives it, you could say something like, “I appreciate that you’re trying to help me, but what I need most right now is for you to just listen.”

Talking about what’s bothering you emotionally can be exhausting and it can temporarily bring up even more uncomfortable or painful feelings. Even so, the conversation should, in the end, make you feel better rather than worse. If you sense the other person is overwhelmed or is not understanding, or if you’re uncomfortable with the conversation for any other reason, don’t push yourself to continue.

After the Conversation

Regardless of how the conversation went—you can be proud of yourself for reaching out. How do you feel now that you’ve opened up a bit? A bit relieved? More hopeful? Less alone? Something else?

Or, if the other person’s response was not what you had hoped, try to remember that there could be all kinds of reasons for this that have nothing to do with you. Maybe hearing about your struggles triggered their own emotional response? Maybe, for whatever reason, they just could not understand or empathize. Their reaction is their reaction and is not something you can direct.

Even so, opening up to the people around you is an important step. There are times when all you need is their support. However, if you find yourself continuing to feel really low or upset over a longer period of time, it may be time to get on board with a mental health practitioner.

When Someone You Know Is Struggling

Have you noticed a friend withdrawing? Or that your partner has been tense and irritable for a few weeks? Or that a co-worker has been down or indifferent lately? In other words, are you concerned about someone else’s emotional state?

It can be hard to know what to do when someone you know is struggling. You may be hesitant to say something for fear of prying or butting in where you’re not wanted.

While it may be true that the other person really doesn’t want to talk openly with you about what’s bothering them, it could also be true that they themselves don’t know how to approach the topic with you. They might be concerned about being a burden or bringing you down. Or they might feel ashamed for how they’re feeling. The only way to find out is to talk to them, but you’ll want to tread lightly so the other person doesn’t feel pushed or forced. You could start by simply letting the other person know you’re here and ready to listen if they wanted to talk.

Below are some additional suggestions.

Encourage yourself. Remember that you don’t need to be a mental health expert to talk to someone about their emotional state. Your willingness to listen is a good place to start.

Create the right conditions. When approaching someone else to have a conversation about what’s bothering them, choose a quiet moment in a relaxing or comfortable place. They’re less likely to open up if you’re squeezing them in between appointments or meeting you in a crowded coffee shop. Maybe you could ask them if they’d like to take a walk? Some people find it easier to open up when they’re moving and not sitting directly across from the other person.

Get started. To start the conversation, you might say something like, “I get the impression that something has been bothering you lately. Would you like to talk about it?” If you’re worried, you can also express your concern—”I care about you and am worried. I’m happy to listen if you want to tell me what’s on your mind.” Try not to take it personally if the other person doesn’t take you up on your offer to talk. They might not be in the mood at that moment or need some time to think about it first.

Listen actively. Actively listening is a crucial part of any conversation, but especially so when you’re inviting the other person to open up. Try to approach the other person without judgment and let them set the pace. Asking open nonjudgmental questions such as “How does that feel?” or “How does this affect your daily life?” can also create understanding and help the other person share their experience.

Avoid the solution trap. Resist the impulse to offer advice and quick solutions. Often this impulse arises from a desire to help or from one’s own sense of helplessness. Mental distress is complex, and those affected have usually already tried a number of coping strategies. If you feel helpless, remember that just being there and simply listening is worth a lot.

Respect your own boundaries. As a partner, friend, or co-worker you are a confidant but not the other person’s therapist. You’re also not responsible for their well-being. When you reach out to someone who’s struggling emotionally, it can be hard so also look out for your own needs. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, you’re allowed to set your own boundaries for what you can and cannot do. You might encourage the other person to seek professional help, especially if they’ve been distraught for a period of time. Or, if you’re up for it, maybe you could offer to help them through the process of finding a mental health professional.

Takeaways

If you yourself are feeling emotionally distraught but haven’t yet told anyone else, consider opening up to someone you trust. Just talking through what’s bothering you to a supportive person can offer relief and help you see that you’re not alone.

If you’re concerned about someone else who has seemed upset or down for a while, you might consider approaching them to let them know what you’re seeing and offering to listen to what’s bothering them without giving unsolicited advice. If professional support is needed and you’re up for helping them find someone, this could be a practical way to help but remember to take care of yourself in the situation as well.

Coping with Crisis in the World

Pandemics, climate change, natural disasters, wars, inflation, energy shortages—it’s no wonder so many people are struggling with world events.

While reactions to all that’s going on will vary, almost everyone is impacted, whether it’s by paying higher prices at the pump and in the grocery store, seeing images of others suffering, watching hospitalization rates rise, or experiencing something else altogether. Insecurity, fear, sadness, horror, anger, helplessness, powerlessness . . . any of these feelings are normal and understandable in the face of global happenings.

How are you feeling?

Because so many people are feeling weighed down right now, we’d like to suggest a few strategies to try. One or more might be helpful to you:

Be selective in your media consumption.

Getting real-time updates on world events is as easy as touching a few buttons on your phone. Mainstream media news is almost never good and social media and other non-official media platforms often spew out speculation and all kinds of exploitative claims and images designed to keep you engaged. Increased screen time, then, does not necessarily mean more information. Instead, it often means more worries, fears, and sadness.

Being selective about where you get your news, how frequently you check the headlines, and how long you watch can really make a big difference. Going only to established media sources is your best bet for getting reliable information. Additionally, limiting your news checks to once or twice a day is usually enough to stay informed.

When the news is particularly upsetting, taking a longer break away to allow yourself a healthy reprieve can be a wise decision as well. Some people worry that taking media breaks when others are suffering shows a lack of compassion. But does your distressed state of mind help those directly impacted? You can be aware, feel compassion, and step away when needed in order to keep yourself healthy.

Take action.

Being powerless in the face of upsetting events is one of the hardest parts of coping for many people.

Taking action, then, can help—at least a little. But how? Volunteering or engaging in political acts or events such as going to a peace or climate rally, cultivating sustainability in your daily life, donating items or money, or lending a sympathetic shoulder are just a few of the ways you can take action.

Pay attention, though. While taking action can feel good it can also bring stressful situations closer so find the balance that’s right for you.

Talk to others.

As always in difficult situations, talking to others about how you feel and what’s bothering you can be enormously helpful.

But if the conversation begins to be overwhelming, it’s also okay to disengage by walking away or changing the subject. Keep an eye on how you’re doing and take care of yourself in the ways you need.

Reach out for help.

If your fear or worry is intense or if you’re otherwise struggling with your mental health, consider seeking the help and support of a mental healthcare practitioner, if you’re not already working with someone. And, if you are feeling like you could use additional support, you’ll probably want to let them know what’s going on.

Take good care of yourself.

Even, or especially, in the face of global crisis, you are allowed to think about yourself and your mental health. Taking healthy steps to take care of yourself and provide some stability for yourself such as by eating a well-balanced diet, getting in regular exercise or movement, sleeping enough, and taking mental health breaks can really help your ability to cope.

Social Anxiety Disorder: When Fear of Being Judged Rules Your Life

Speaking up in a group of people? Talking on the phone in front of others? Attending a party where you hardly know anyone? Talking to a stranger? These and similar social situations tend to be challenging for many people: For some, such situations merely trigger a queasy feeling, while for others they cause full-on panic. This article explores characteristics and causes of social anxiety disorder (also known as “social phobia”) and takes a look as well at how it can be treated.

When does social discomfort become a disorder?

Most people have felt some amount of nervousness or anxiety in social situations. This is largely because humans are social beings. And for early homo sapiens, belonging to a group could mean the difference between survival or not. Groups offered protection and support. In short, being valued and accepted by others has been a central human need for a very long time. And yet what others do and think is largely out of an individual’s control and can, thus, be a source of anxiety.

The degree to which you might feel anxious in a social setting is important to pay attention to. Having a bit of excitement or some fluttering in your stomach in social situations at times is perfectly normal. Very few people would be able to walk into a room full of strangers, say, and start striking up conversations without having some amount of discomfort. Similarly, most people would feel quite nervous when having to give a speech in front of a group.

Where reactions can veer in the direction of a disorder, however, would be when the sense of fear is so extreme that the person’s daily life is impacted. Someone may, for example, feel such intense anxiety at the idea of meeting up with others that they choose to stay home or otherwise avoid such situations, thereby missing out on what otherwise could’ve been a positive experience.

Other signs that social anxiety disorder may be at play rather than just normal social discomfort may include one or more of the following:

• Anxiety leading up to a social event crops up hours, days, or even weeks ahead of time.
• Unrelenting stress arises around the idea of being in a social situation and is combined with muscle tension, a sleep disorder, and/or a sense of exhaustion.
• A fixation on one’s own behavior and physical reactions around others is present to a degree that leaves a very low bandwidth for other areas of life.
• Daily tasks, such as going to the supermarket alone, talking to co-workers, or making an important phone call no longer seem manageable.

What is the source of fear for those with social anxiety disorder?

For those with social anxiety disorder, it’s ultimately a fear of being negatively judged by others. There may be a fear of embarrassing oneself or acting awkwardly, or of being the center of attention. Activities like taking exams, eating, drinking, or talking on the phone in front of others are often anxiety-provoking. And for some, the anxiety crops up around very specific situations such as when having to speak in front of an audience.

What does a fear reaction look like?

When fear arises, the heart beats faster, muscles tense up, sweat glands get activated, and the blood supply to the skin increases. Some may experience full-blown panic attacks.

Sweating or blushing or otherwise reacting in ways visible to others can bring even more discomfort as the person worries what others will think of them. Thoughts may arise like, “They’re going to think something’s wrong with me,” “I’m sure I’ll stumble over my words and everyone will notice,” or “I can already feel myself blushing. How embarrassing!”

Extreme fear can bring a desire to avoid a stressful situation altogether, to run away from it, or to stay in the background in a particular situation as much as possible.

How common is social anxiety disorder?

Social anxiety disorder is one of the most prevalent among all mental disorders with one in ten experiencing a form of this disorder at some point in their life. And there are claims that this estimate is actually much lower than the reality since many with social anxiety disorder are ashamed of their fear or are uncomfortable talking about it with others so they remain silent.

Though this disorder can crop up at any age, it most commonly appears in childhood or adolescence.

What causes and prolongs social anxiety disorder?

Most of the time, the cause of any mental disorder is fairly complex, and social anxiety disorder is not unique in this regard. It’s usually, then, not just one trigger that sparks the disorder but is a combination of factors, such as genetic makeup, personality traits like perfectionism or shyness, childhood experiences such as being teased or often excluded, or one’s upbringing.

If one grew up with overprotective parents, for example, they may not have gotten the chance to learn how to cope with difficulty on their own. Alternatively, if someone’s parents were strict, critical, or demeaning, this person may have adopted the assumption that they themselves are not good enough. Both overprotective and over critical parenting styles can result in low self-esteem and heightened levels of anxiety and prepare the ground for the development of social anxiety disorder.

Once the disorder develops, a person may unknowingly prolong it through certain actions like avoidance and withdrawal which may bring some relief in the short run, but ultimately rob a person of opportunities for more positive experiences that often come with getting practice being around others. The other part of avoidance and withdrawal is that it can bring even more anxiety around the idea of social situations than was there originally, sparking off a vicious cycle.

How is social anxiety disorder treated?

Typically, social anxiety disorder does not resolve on its own, so it should be treated. Both psychotherapy (especially, cognitive behavioral therapy) and medication, have been shown to be effective. Typically in therapy, the practitioner will review with the patient how the disorder developed and whether any of their behaviors are prolonging it. The therapist may eventually support the person in confronting their fears—the most effective therapeutic treatment method—by having them seek out those social situations that usually bring the most fear. Participating in group therapy or a support group can also be beneficial. Group members can practice with one another in a safe setting and see that they’re not alone with the disorder.

If you’re experiencing social anxiety and notice that it’s affecting your life, we strongly recommend that you seek professional support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Are the holidays difficult for you?

The holidays are just around the corner. Lots of lights, decorations, time with family. While some cherish and celebrate this time of year, others find themselves struggling and wishing they could just avoid the holidays altogether.

These “holiday blues” can be hard to take, whether they crop up in one particular year, every year, or somewhere in between.

If you’re struggling or know someone else who is, this article offers some strategies to help cope with the holiday blues.

Pause to Acknowledge

It may sound a bit simplistic but taking some time to just stop and check in with yourself to see how you’re doing can really be a help—even if just for a few moments. This means getting quiet and identifying your feelings, naming them one by one. Allow your heart to open to what you’re feeling.

“Yes, loneliness is what I’m feeling.”

“Sadness is here.”

“I’m feeling anxious.”

Whatever your experience is your reality. Simply acknowledging what that is and letting whatever is here just be here can, somewhat counterintuitively, offer a bit of relief. Our MindDoc App can be a helpful companion if you’d like to check in with yourself on a regular basis.

Accepting What Cannot Be Changed

Once you’ve identified and acknowledged what’s here, ask yourself if part of what you’re feeling is that something is wrong, that you’re wanting or wishing for something to be different or to change. While there are some things you can influence, such as where and how you spend your holidays, there are also circumstances that are out of your control, such as the weather or the behavior of other family members.

If you notice that you’re longing for things to change that are out of your control, acknowledge that desire, and then actively imagine letting go of the longing. Perhaps you can put it on a huge helium balloon and watch it float up to the sky and away.

Look for What Truly Is Good

Whatever your situation, look, too, for what you really can appreciate. A warm sip, soft blankets, getting time to yourself.

Focusing on feeling grateful for what you do have in your life can help balance the scale a bi

Celebrating Your Way

As you go through the holiday season, consider scheduling in a little time each day for an activity you can do to make this time a bit special. Read in bed, take a walk in a place you love, bake your favorite cookies, whatever sounds best to you—set yourself up for something to regularly look forward to.

Gift Giving for Yourself

With the challenges and stresses of the holiday season, this might be a good time to treat yourself to a gift, even a small one, without asking yourself if you really need it. A gift could be a way of bringing something special to yourself.

Making a Plan

Making a plan when you’re feeling a bit out of sorts can also provide a sense of comfort. It can be a way to offset disappointment and give yourself an idea of what you can expect.

What could be good for you at this time? How and with whom would you most like to spend the holidays? Do you want company or would you prefer time just for yourself? If you live alone but don’t want to celebrate alone, you might make a plan with friends or check your neighborhood listserv or an online platform for gatherings you can join.

Additionally, offering kindness to others can help turn your focus outward. And knowing that you can help in some way can bring purpose or some amount of contentment. Make cookies for a neighbor, send a card to someone through the mail, volunteer to work at a soup kitchen, give food or a blanket to someone who is without a place to live. There are likely many ways you could help.

Whatever way you choose to manage the holidays, we wish you a holiday season in which you can find peace and take good care of yourself.

On Grieving and Saying Goodbye

Whether it is the gradual end of a friendship, the sudden breakup of a partnership, the death of a loved one, the farewell to a place or life situation, or the realization that a wish or hope will never become reality . . .

Losses, separations, and goodbyes, though each unique, all share one thing—they are painful. They bring sadness. Sometimes they come with other feelings such as fear, confusion, anger, despair, or guilt.

And they are all a part of life. This article will provide a bit of context for these sadnesses and suggest some ways to help cope.

Why Grief?

Feeling sad after a breakup or other loss is absolutely normal and expected. Grieving in such circumstances, then, is a healthy response of the psyche. But why? Does grief have a purpose and, if so, what is it?

In short, grief helps you take in the reality of what’s happened and feel the loss or disappointment. And though difficult, this is a really important part of healing. Rather than pushing aside or repressing life’s hard moments, grief helps you realize that someone is no longer there, something is not coming back, a wish or hope will not be fulfilled. And only after you’ve experienced these feelings for a time can you begin to let go and move on. This can take quite some time, though, and can’t be rushed. And the energy-sapping grieving period can feel endless as you move through the painful feelings.

Because grief hurts so much, it makes sense that most people would prefer not to feel it at all. And unfortunately some societal messages also deter the grieving process. When grieving, you’re likely to hear some sort of advice that includes “pulling yourself together” or “putting on a brave face.” These encourage repression and can make the person grieving feel like they’re not allowed to see the process through. Yet, to try rushing your emotions is often exhausting and doesn’t work in the end. Suppressed sadness finds a way to eventually make its way to the surface.

What Helps?

The most important part of the grieving process is to give sadness some space. Recognize that it’s here and accept it for what it is: a helpful feeling. Of course, this is much easier said than done. It’s really common to be fearful that painful feelings, if allowed to be fully felt, will be too much. That they will be overwhelming. Yet suppressed, underlying grief is actually more exhausting to your body and psychological well-being than lived grief. And suppression prolongs the process.

So, how to make room for grief?

One way is to talk about your feelings with others, whether it’s close friends or family members or members of a support group who have gone through a similar experience. Go with your gut when considering who to confide in.

Another helpful approach to grieving might be a goodbye ritual of sorts. After a breakup, for example, you might write a letter to your former partner (whether or not you send it). Consider what didn’t work for you in the relationship, what you blame your former partner for, what you regret, what you’re grateful for, what you’ll miss. In other words, fully explore the situation and your feelings and get it all down in writing to help you process and deal with what you’re experiencing.

Getting in some quiet time to be still can allow feelings to surface and, at the right moment, move through so that you can let go. Mindfulness is one such way to do this. If you’re new to meditation, you might want to start with guided mindfulness exercises that explore what’s happening in the mind and body in the present moment. With practice, you might find that practicing mindfulness on your own is also helpful. In difficult moments, it can sometimes be hard to even recognize what feelings are there. Mindfulness allows the space for you to explore and can help you see ways to let go of painful feelings when the time is right.

How Long to Grieve?

Ah, the forever question, or so it seems when you’re grieving. How long will I have to hurt? And you likely know the answer already—this is an individual experience that could take weeks, months, or even years depending on the situation and what you do to grieve. It would be so nice, wouldn’t it?, if someone could tell you exactly when the pain will stop. But there is no universal time line for grief. But one thing is for sure: Over time the pain will begin to diminish and will become less all-encompassing. And it may eventually lead you to comforting memories and a sense of gratitude for all you experienced.

If your grief, though, is really intense to the point of distraction over a long period of time or you ever feel like it’s too much for you to bear, talking to a therapist or other mental health practitioner can be really helpful.